A couple of drunk nights and a whole month of lethargic sadness marks the end of this affair. I am tired of pining for you and wondering why you would not choose me. I loved you, but I am not a Pokemon and it is high time to say good bye.
In a few days, it’d be officially a month since we parted that afternoon. I still get these episodes where nothing I do makes me feel better and I end up spending long hours missing you, your embrace and just you, in general. I wonder if you miss me too, as intensely as I do, but I highly doubt it.
Small victories, but I need to learn to control my emotions better and put a lid on it. Being too blunt or brooding is going to hurt me. Jor, be exuberant, but when it comes to crunch time, manage tension better. Plan what you want to say and be succinct.
Hello, Hong Kong, see you in 2016.
And then a relapse. All these memories of you came at me, wave after wave. The almost bouncing way you walk, the sound of your voice and the heat from the shape that is your palm around mine.
I miss you so much today.
Then I watched Episode 2 of Homeland Season 5 and decided that my life is not so hard after all.
What this really means for me is to marry my best friend, so that when love does die, we would still have lots of fun and laughter.
I love attending weddings of my close friends. I become so overjoyed that it is as if, I am giving them away in the capacity of their parents. If the reception seating arrangements are based on the level of genuine elation, my seat will be really near the stage.
In 2016, I have three weddings to attend and I am so excited for all of them. I do not say this enough, but I love my friends and I hope they know it.
If I am ever a lesbian, it’d be her fault. She is magnificent and because she is not dark like, perhaps, Amy Winehouse, she does not appeal to some. People can be drawn to drama, pain and become self-involved in their own shit. I guess, listening to another person in a wretched mode makes you feel less lonely. However, Sara is not like that. She is honest, funny, down-to-earth and her music touches the depths of your soul, in a highly positive manner. She has this amazing power to speak the truth without being all brooding and depressed and annoying. It takes a really strong person to look problems straight in the eye, acknowledge them and say “FU” with a huge serving of grace.
I wish you were here to hear all this. We would be nodding our heads in unison and wondering what the world did to deserve the gift that is Sara Bareilles. More than anything though, I wish you are well and I really miss you.
I feel like a patient recovering from a long illness, or a drug addict struggling with sobriety. I feel better. Some days passed so normally as if the year did not happen. I was not deluded, you were not deceitful and the dense weight pressing on my chest was not trauma, but just the suffocating haze from Indonesia.
It’s such a gloomy day, but I’m actually feeling pretty OK today. Don’t trust your emotions, people.
I thought throwing that away would somehow make all this go away. I brought it all the way to the river where we sat one evening, just chatting, the residual heat from the day sun cooking our behinds. You were wearing them that day and I tossed them into the murky water at low tide, casually, for fear of being caught littering obviously. I am sorry I did that, but I had to do something for myself. I let you be for far too long and you are spoiled and incorrigible. I do not know if you have always been this way. If so, I am terrified.
I missed you today, but not as much as when you were not around. Not the heart heaving kind of weepy void, not the I could almost feel your arms around me or replaying the conversations we have had in the dark kind of missing you. Just a dense and dull weight on my chest that held down my spirit, when I tried to summon it to rise.